uchi_hiroki ([info]uchi_hiroki) wrote,
@ 2004-12-04 12:17:00
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...not going near work today. those of you who called last night know where i am. just....some of you tell management that i'm ill or something? can't face coming in today. i just...

...god...what happened last night? i read back on it and...it started off so stupidly! christ...i let it get so out of hand. i could have just....agreed. should have just agreed with him. ryo may have faults, but i have them too. i'm too proud for my own damn good. and...i think i've wrecked one of the best things i ever had.

i hate this morning after feeling, you know? when you know you've done something terrible, but...can't...fix it and its taken you nearly twelve hours to realise it. and by then its probably too late and now you have to live with it. work is going to be unimaginable from now on. i think i really upset him, although....i'm not sure if thats ticked over into anger overnight. it might be better if it has. he can just kick the shit out of me for being a selfish little bitch and we can get on with it, right? ^^ heh....no....

sorry, i'm still not thinking right here.

christ what am i going to do?

......i'm going for a walk.....

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[info]nishikido_ryo
2004-12-04 02:40 am UTC (link)
when you know you've done something terrible, but...can't...fix

What did you do wrong?

i really upset him

I upset myself, this isn't your fault at all Hiroki...

he can just kick the shit out of me for being a selfish little bitch

The thought of that makes my stomach turn. Literally.
You being hurt again in any way...I wont let it happen.

christ what am i going to do?

I don't know, but I spent last night trying to accept that it was all over and thinking how I could possibly make it all go away. There weren't many options.

I don't know what you want to do Hiroki. I am bad for you, and if you come back to me there is a strong chance this could just happen again.

I couldn't...take that....

I love you...just know that. If you wnat to keep it pltonic I will. I wont say a word. It'll be like nothing happened.

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[info]uchi_hiroki
2004-12-04 02:51 am UTC (link)
...i wish i knew what to do. i really do.

if we just..stay friends, then no matter how hard we try things are going to be uncomfortable. we can pretend like they aren't, but...you know as well as I do that it won't work.

if we get back together...

i've sad too many hurtful things for that to happen though, haven't i?

but i'll say this. you aren't bad for me. you never were. you were the best thing that ever happened to me. remember when you were away in osaka and we talked that one night for hours? remember what i said to you? that still stands.

.....if...just supposing, i did come back to you and you forgave me...do you think we could make it work? i mean, i know it would take a while for you to trust me again, but....eventually? if we tried hard?

we were strong enough once...i don't want to have ruined that....

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[info]nishikido_ryo
2004-12-04 03:00 am UTC (link)
I wont lie, I was hurting last night more than I had ever done for a very long time...

Not because of what you said, but more of the fact that it was all true.
More the fact that it was all true and coming from the one person that could say it to me and have it matter...

I do trust you, I do! I do, I do, I do! I have to stop being inscure, I need to start believing in you....

Can you come back to me though? I wont have changed, I am still me. All those flaws you popinted out are still here even though I will try to get rid of them.

I would come back to you in a shot Hiroki, you are the most important person in my entire life. Losing you would be losing everything.


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[info]uchi_hiroki
2004-12-04 03:06 am UTC (link)
....i'd say that i didn't mean to hurt you, but...last night i was so angry that all i wanted to do was get everything out in the open in as mean a way as i possibly could. can you really trust someone who willingly caused you pain?

and it wasn't all true...i'm not the better person here.

of course i would come back to you. it doesn't matter if you don't change. if you're still the same old ryo it doesn't matter. because...thats who i fell in love with, right?

...do you want me to come back? and be one hundred percent positive with your answer! if you doubt that you can trust me, even just a tiny bit, then i'll keep away.

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[info]nishikido_ryo
2004-12-04 03:13 am UTC (link)
Oh god, I can't believe you are even asking me this!

Of COURSE I want you back!

I need you Hiroki...

I need you...

There's only one of you, there's thousands of me but only one you. Only one Hiroki's smile, Hiroki's eyes, lips, hair, laugh...

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[info]uchi_hiroki
2004-12-04 03:18 am UTC (link)
don't be silly...

you're one of a kind. and i'm glad, because i can concentrate everything i have from now on, on this one, single, solitary man who, though yes, he has his faults, is still perfect to me.

i need you too.

god...right....i'm leaving now. i'm going to call a taxi from the front desk and come home right now.

i miss you.

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[info]nishikido_ryo
2004-12-04 03:20 am UTC (link)
front desk? I thought...you were at Tsubasa's house?
o.o

where are you?

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[info]uchi_hiroki
2004-12-04 03:23 am UTC (link)
i...stayed at a hotel.

i wasn't going to tell you. i was just going to let you think whatever you wanted. but that was last night. now i realise i was stupid. i couldn't bear it if you thought that i'd betrayed you after all this...

i'm sorry. i'll be home soon, ok?

......i love you.

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[info]nishikido_ryo
2004-12-04 03:24 am UTC (link)
Oh god...

I am crying again...

...I love you too...

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